I Don't Understand
by Axel Zexion
Summary: Zexion just doesn't understand why Axel does what he does. Why does he treat him this way? And what if he just decides to give up?  Sexual implications, abuse, AkuZeku. First chapter in Zexion's POV, second to be in Axel's.


_Hey guys, I'm just writing this one randomly to fit my moods. My moods flip-flop so randomly, but here it is. Helping me is awesome. I suck at writing._

_~~~AxZ~~~_

I don't understand anymore. You always make me cry, but then apologize to me, holding my small frame in your arms. You make me feel so loved and protected in your arms like that.

I remember your harsh actions towards me, then you act like I'm a god to you, like you worship me. I like that better.

You ignore me, sometimes you focus your eyes on me in that angry glare, shouting at me, telling me all my flaws like I'm not aware of them. You never hit me, you never touch me in a painful way, unless it is that painful pleasure you love to put me in.

But you will come to me after each time, after you calm down, wipe my tears off and hug me to your chest, in an attempt to get my full trust. You lay me down and whisper sweet nothings into my ear, stroking the back of my head gently. You almost make me fall asleep, but you kiss me before I can slip into the awaiting darkness. One kiss, it starts a flurry. One kiss leads to more, each move getting more passionate as hands travel over my body. Mine follow your actions. Soon we're under the sheets, you moving in and out of me, me panting calling for more, me calling you name like it was my only life line.

In a way, it is. You are.

You don't fully need me the same way I need you, do you? What am I asking? You can have any person you want, with the simple shift of words and actions. You know that too, but why do you waste your time with me?

I asked you that, when we first started dating. You just smiled and held me close, saying, ' I'm never wasting time with you.' and ' You don't see yourself clearly. You think so lowly about yourself, look through my eyes and see what I see.' I never could. You just crush the hope I had the first time you yelled.

I used to smile, my full trust given to you as we walked together happily, hand in hand, or your arm wrapped around me. You made me feel worth something, like I was meant to be loved. But I guess it was just a dream wall you made up for me, that you tore down easily.

What would you do if you saw this? If you saw my version of everything you do. Would you care for me like you used to? I wish you would. Would you break up with me, my heart included in the breaking?

Sometimes I wish I could do the same to you, as you do to me, just to see your reaction, see how you like it, what you would have done, but I know I could never do that. I just couldn't. I hate hurting people. To think I caused the pain they trouble over.

One time you walked in on me, the cold blade in my hand, red blood trickling down my arm and onto the tile floor in the bathroom. You rushed to me and freaked out, asking why I did it while cleaning off the fresh cut. You bandaged it and kissed my wrist, like it would make it suddenly feel better. It did. I just gave the small reply. 'I'm depressed.' You once more held me in your long arms, basically begging me to never do it again. I promised you I wouldn't.

I broke that promise.

Now I give up. I give up believe you'll change back to your old self. The one I'm hopelessly in love with, and deal with putting up with your bastard side, just to have that old part of you back. I can't tell you how I feel, I'm too confused about it myself.

I melt when you say me name in your caring deep voice. I wince every single time you yell. I cry with almost everything.

But I think the worst thing is, is when you ignore me; send me a glare when I try to grab your attention. It never works does it? I feel so small and alone with you just ignoring me like that. Like I'm nothing important, like an ant or a leaf you step on. Sometimes I wish you would hit me, hurt my physically. Then I would know you know I'm alive, and you would pay attention to me, even if it's painful.

But now that I think about it, I'm not the only one who broke a promise. When you first made love to me, you held me after wards and told me you'd never hurt me, you'd love me completely. You broke it.

Now I'm here.

In the bathroom, sitting in hot water, my clothes still on. The water is burning to my touch, but your flame hurts worse. I look at the metal in my hand, watching the shine on it move as I bring the sharp object to my body. It was routine now. I would move it across my arm lightly, watching the blood pool to the surface. I do a few light cuts, but it's not enough. Not enough for what I want done. I push it deeper, hissing at the pain, but I liked the feel of it since it was better than the numbness of everything else.

The blood falls faster. I smile a weak smile because I'm thinking of the ways you'd try to get it out. I then move to lesser seen places, my shoulders, my sides. I lean back on the wall, my eyes starting to unfocus and blur.

I heard a door open, the door to my room. It's you. You're calling my name, but soon my eyes shut and the blade drops onto the tile floor.

I wonder if this is what fading feels like.

You must have heard the cling of metal. I don't hear you walk in, or what you do, it's all dark around me, it's just my thoughts for now.

Am I dead?

~~~AxZ~~~

_Well that's part one, I'm thinking of having my Axel to write another chapter. Please review. _

_**Note from the Beta, AlisaBlaike—There it is. I'll be adding another chapter, in Axel's point of view. Review, even if it's a flame. Your flames are the fire to roast our yaoi marshmallows. ;D**_


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